Every year Good focuses on one specific subject with me. I'm not sure why, but that's just how He likes to do things with me I guess. It probably just takes that long for me to finally get what He's trying to say! If anyone read my other blog from last year, Kingdom Light, you'll remember that last year was pretty much all about consecration, priesthood, and heaven itself. That was such an exciting year for me. I loved that whole topic so much.
This year has been very different though. Rather than all the deep insights on the Levites and consecration He was showing me, it has been straight up grace. It seems like such a basic topic, but I have to say, it is one of those subjects that can be difficult to understand for someone like me. Those of you who know me well, know that I am far from the shimmering beam of light most people see ministers and missionaries as. Especially the teenagers I spent the last nine months with. They all vomited under my care more than once (disgusting games are just part of the deal), the guys especially got a much more human look at me the day they came over and we played Xbox all day. It turns out I'm not nearly as good as I think I am....
However, standing next to several of my friends in ministry who have such a passion for God, they often have great "testimonies". You know the kind, the former vomiting transvestite with AIDs who was also the head of the mafia somewhere and had a instantly liberating encounter with God while doing heroin and simultaneously getting blackout drunk . Those are the testimonies (tamed down of course) that you get to hear in church. And if there is one thing we know, people who have had an encounter with God like that REALLY appreciate His grace and mercy, and love Him so incredibly much. They truly understand grace because they have lived it out to such an extent they know the only way they are even alive is because of it. "He who is forgiven much, loves much."
 |
| She understands in a way I can't. |
I don't have a testimony like that. A lot of people don't. The fact is, I'm a church kid whose been in ministry forever and have never done anything remotely close to the things I hear people testify about. I've never smoked anything in my life. I've never done drugs. I've only had one girlfriend, who is currently my wife of almost eight years. The two times I drank alcohol were without my knowledge. The first time was having dinner with another missionary who didn't tell me they were giving me wine, when I tasted it in and realized what it was I didn't drink any more. The second time was during a special communion service where they had actual wine instead of grape juice. I've never been in a gang or a fight, nothing people consider to be worth putting in a testimony.
Don't be fooled of course, I've sinned as much as the next guy, just not the kind of stuff you consider to be "big". The truth is though, it puts me at a serious disadvantage in the grace and mercy department.
 |
| Grace. Alan style. |
"For we do not have a high priest who is unable to empathize with our weaknesses, but we have one who has been tempted in every way, just as we are--yet he did not sin. Let us then approach God’s throne of grace with confidence, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help us in our time of need." - Hebrews 4:15 & 16
Jesus is able to have grace towards us because he understands the temptations we go through. He gets it. And it is because He gets it that He doesn't smite you into oblivion when your eyes wander in the wrong direction. I on the other hand, have always been a supporter of the smiting. Not because I enjoy watching people fall, it frustrates me like you wouldn't believe when someone with so much going for them chooses the wrong path. It's just that in the past I have always have the attitude that if you choose the wrong thing, you should be held accountable for the decisions you have made. I still agree with that, because we all will be held accountable one day, but now grace comes before the smiting.
 |
| Me, but not as cute. |
So how do I understand grace better now? It's not because I fell away from the Lord or anything like that. I adore Him more than I ever have in my life, but when my family and I made the decision to go to Texas, I told Karmy that we would never be able to return to the mission field. I was convinced we would lose everything here and even if we wanted to come back, we wouldn't be able to. I went to Texas fully convinced it was for a long, long time.
But when we were there and I started to see that we were inevitably going to need to come back to Panama after a much shorter time than I expected, I was pretty scared. I never doubted that God could take care of us, but after making such a big decision, and then going back on it, I didn't think God would want to. Because if all the smiting, remember?
 |
| Smitten |
I am a strong believer in, "No one who puts a hand to the plow and looks back is fit for service in the kingdom of God." Luke 9:62, because the Bible point blank says it. There is no way around it. As far as I was concerned, I was turning back and wasn't worthy of God's help on this. I had resolved that I would come back to Panama and have to become like a tour guide or English teacher, or something like that.
God had different plans though, and decided to use it to show me what grace really looks like for the first time in my life. Despite everything, not only did God allow us to come back and continue in the ministry here at YWAM, but He restored absolutely everything we had given up when we came here. Same house, same beds, same laundry machine, same dishes, everything. And on top of that He gave us an even better vehicle than we've ever had before!
I know a lot of people would disagree with me, but if there is anyone on this planet who didn't deserve a second chance on the mission field, it is me. But the grace of God was poured out on my life, and because of that I am now able to understand and extend grace to others where I would formerly be looking for the Hammer of Justice. Thank you Jesus for grace, and for allowing me to experience it!
No comments:
Post a Comment